Feedback is crucial. That’s obvious: It
improves performance, develops talent, aligns expectations, solves
problems, guides promotion and pay, and boosts the bottom line.
But
it’s equally obvious that in many organizations, feedback doesn’t work.
A glance at the stats tells the story: Only 36% of managers complete
appraisals thoroughly and on time. In one recent survey, 55% of
employees said their most recent performance review had been unfair or
inaccurate, and one in four said they dread such evaluations more than
anything else in their working lives. When senior HR executives were
asked about their biggest performance management challenge, 63% cited
managers’ inability or unwillingness to have difficult feedback
discussions. Coaching and mentoring? Uneven at best.
Most
companies try to address these problems by training leaders to give
feedback more effectively and more often. That’s fine as far as it goes;
everyone benefits when managers are better communicators. But improving
the skills of the feedback giver won’t accomplish much if the receiver
isn’t able to absorb what is said. It is the receiver who controls
whether feedback is let in or kept out, who has to make sense of what he
or she is hearing, and who decides whether or not to change. People
need to stop treating feedback only as something that must be pushed and
instead improve their ability to pull.
For
the past 20 years we’ve coached executives on difficult conversations,
and we’ve found that almost everyone, from new hires to C-suite
veterans, struggles with receiving feedback. A critical performance
review, a well-intended suggestion, or an oblique comment that may or
may not even be feedback (“Well, your presentation was certainly
interesting”) can spark an emotional reaction, inject tension into the
relationship, and bring communication to a halt. But there’s good news,
too: The skills needed to receive feedback well are distinct and
learnable. They include being able to identify and manage the emotions
triggered by the feedback and extract value from criticism even when
it’s poorly delivered.
Why Feedback Doesn’t Register
What
makes receiving feedback so hard? The process strikes at the tension
between two core human needs—the need to learn and grow, and the need to
be accepted just the way you are. As a result, even a seemingly benign
suggestion can leave you feeling angry, anxious, badly treated, or
profoundly threatened. A hedge such as “Don’t take this personally” does
nothing to soften the blow.
Getting
better at receiving feedback starts with understanding and managing
those feelings. You might think there are a thousand ways in which
feedback can push your buttons, but in fact there are only three.
Truth triggers
are set off by the content of the feedback. When assessments or advice
seem off base, unhelpful, or simply untrue, you feel indignant, wronged,
and exasperated.
Relationship triggers
are tripped by the person providing the feedback. Exchanges are often
colored by what you believe about the giver (He’s got no credibility on
this topic!) and how you feel about your previous interactions (After
all I’ve done for you, I get this petty criticism?). So you might reject
coaching that you would accept on its merits if it came from someone
else.
Identity triggers
are all about your relationship with yourself. Whether the feedback is
right or wrong, wise or witless, it can be devastating if it causes your
sense of who you are to come undone. In such moments you’ll struggle
with feeling overwhelmed, defensive, or off balance.
All
these responses are natural and reasonable; in some cases they are
unavoidable. The solution isn’t to pretend you don’t have them. It’s to
recognize what’s happening and learn how to derive benefit from feedback
even when it sets off one or more of your triggers.
Six Steps to Becoming a Better Receiver Taking
feedback well is a process of sorting and filtering. You need to
understand the other person’s point of view, try on ideas that may at
first seem a poor fit, and experiment with different ways of doing
things. You also need to discard or shelve critiques that are genuinely
misdirected or are not helpful right away. But it’s nearly impossible to
do any of those things from inside a triggered response. Instead of
ushering you into a nuanced conversation that will help you learn, your
triggers prime you to reject, counterattack, or withdraw.
The
six steps below will keep you from throwing valuable feedback onto the
discard pile or—just as damaging—accepting and acting on comments that
you would be better off disregarding. They are presented as advice to
the receiver. But, of course, understanding the challenges of receiving
feedback helps the giver to be more effective too.
1. Know your tendenciesYou’ve
been getting feedback all your life, so there are no doubt patterns in
how you respond. Do you defend yourself on the facts (“This is plain
wrong”), argue about the method of delivery (“You’re really doing this
by e-mail?”), or strike back (“You, of all people?”)? Do you smile on
the outside but seethe on the inside? Do you get teary or filled with
righteous indignation? And what role does the passage of time play? Do
you tend to reject feedback in the moment and then step back and
consider it over time? Do you accept it all immediately but later decide
it’s not valid? Do you agree with it intellectually but have trouble
changing your behavior?
When
Michael, an advertising executive, hears his boss make an offhand joke
about his lack of professionalism, it hits him like a sledgehammer. “I’m
flooded with shame,” he told us, “and all my failings rush to mind, as
if I’m Googling ‘things wrong with me’ and getting 1.2 million hits,
with sponsored ads from my father and my ex. In this state it’s hard to
see the feedback at ‘actual size.’” But now that Michael understands his
standard operating procedure, he’s able to make better choices about
where to go from there: “I can reassure myself that I’m exaggerating,
and usually after I sleep on it, I’m in a better place to figure out
whether there’s something I can learn.”
2. Disentangle the “what” from the “who”If
the feedback is on target and the advice is wise, it shouldn’t matter
who delivers it. But it does. When a relationship trigger is activated,
entwining the content of comments with your feelings about the giver (or
about how, when, or where she delivered the comments), learning is
short-circuited. To keep that from happening, you have to work to
separate the message from the messenger and then consider both.
Janet,
a chemist and a team leader at a pharmaceutical company, received
glowing comments from her peers and superiors during her 360-degree
review but was surprised by the negative feedback she got from her
direct reports. She immediately concluded that the problem was theirs:
“I have high standards, and some of them can’t handle that,” she
remembers thinking. “They aren’t used to someone holding their feet to
the fire.” In this way, she changed the subject from her management
style to her subordinates’ competence, preventing her from learning
something important about the impact she had on others.
Eventually
the penny dropped, Janet says. “I came to see that whether it was their
performance problem or my leadership problem, those were not mutually
exclusive issues, and both were worth solving.” She was able to
disentangle the issues and talk to her team about both. Wisely, she
began the conversation with their feedback to her, asking, “What am I
doing that’s making things tough? What would improve the situation?”
3. Sort toward coachingSome
feedback is evaluative (“Your rating is a 4”); some is coaching
(“Here’s how you can improve”). Everyone needs both. Evaluations tell
you where you stand, what to expect, and what is expected of you.
Coaching allows you to learn and improve and helps you play at a higher
level.
It’s not always easy to
distinguish one from the other. When a board member phoned James to
suggest that he start the next quarter’s CFO presentation with analyst
predictions rather than internal projections, was that intended as a
helpful suggestion, or was it a veiled criticism of his usual approach?
When in doubt, people tend to assume the worst and to put even
well-intentioned coaching into the evaluation bin. Feeling judged is
likely to set off your identity triggers, and the resulting anxiety can
drown out the opportunity to learn. So whenever possible, sort toward
coaching. Work to hear feedback as potentially valuable advice from a
fresh perspective rather than as an indictment of how you’ve done things
in the past. When James took that approach, “the suggestion became less
emotionally loaded,” he says. “I decided to hear it as simply an
indication of how that board member might more easily digest quarterly
information.”
4. Unpack the feedbackOften
it’s not immediately clear whether feedback is valid and useful. So
before you accept or reject it, do some analysis to better understand
it.
Here’s a hypothetical example.
Kara, who’s in sales, is told by Johann, an experienced colleague, that
she needs to “be more assertive.” Her reaction might be to reject his
advice (“I think I’m pretty assertive already”). Or she might acquiesce
(“I really do need to step it up”). But before she decides what to do,
she needs to understand what he really means. Does he think she should
speak up more often, or just with greater conviction? Should she smile
more, or less? Have the confidence to admit she doesn’t know something,
or the confidence to pretend she does?
Even
the simple advice to “be more assertive” comes from a complex set of
observations and judgments that Johann has made while watching Kara in
meetings and with customers. Kara needs to dig into the general
suggestion and find out what in particular prompted it. What did Johann
see her do or fail to do? What did he expect, and what is he worried
about? In other words, where is the feedback coming from?
Kara
also needs to know where the feedback is going—exactly what Johann
wants her to do differently and why. After a clarifying discussion, she
might agree that she is less assertive than others on the sales floor
but disagree with the idea that she should change. If all her sales
heroes are quiet, humble, and deeply curious about customers’ needs,
Kara’s view of what it means to be good at sales might look and sound
very different from Johann’s Glengarry Glen Ross ideal.
When
you set aside snap judgments and take time to explore where feedback is
coming from and where it’s going, you can enter into a rich,
informative conversation about perceived best practices—whether you
decide to take the advice or not.
5. Ask for just one thingFeedback
is less likely to set off your emotional triggers if you request it and
direct it. So don’t wait until your annual performance review. Find
opportunities to get bite-size pieces of coaching from a variety of
people throughout the year. Don’t invite criticism with a big, unfocused
question like “Do you have any feedback for me?” Make the process more
manageable by asking a colleague, a boss, or a direct report, “What’s
one thing you see me doing (or failing to do) that holds me back?” That
person may name the first behavior that comes to mind or the most
important one on his or her list. Either way, you’ll get concrete
information and can tease out more specifics at your own pace.
Roberto,
a fund manager at a financial services firm, found his 360-degree
review process overwhelming and confusing. “Eighteen pages of charts and
graphs and no ability to have follow-up conversations to clarify the
feedback was frustrating,” he says, adding that it also left him feeling
awkward around his colleagues.
Now
Roberto taps two or three people each quarter to ask for one thing he
might work on. “They don’t offer the same things, but over time I hear
themes, and that gives me a good sense of where my growth edge lies,” he
says. “And I have really good conversations—with my boss, with my team,
even with peers where there’s some friction in the relationship.
They’re happy to tell me one thing to change, and often they’re right.
It does help us work more smoothly together.”
Research
has shown that those who explicitly seek critical feedback (that is,
who are not just fishing for praise) tend to get higher performance
ratings. Why? Mainly, we think, because someone who’s asking for
coaching is more likely to take what is said to heart and genuinely
improve. But also because when you ask for feedback, you not only find
out how others see you, you also influence
how they see you. Soliciting constructive criticism communicates
humility, respect, passion for excellence, and confidence, all in one
go.
6. Engage in small experimentsAfter
you’ve worked to solicit and understand feedback, it may still be hard
to discern which bits of advice will help you and which ones won’t. We
suggest designing small experiments to find out. Even though you may
doubt that a suggestion will be useful, if the downside risk is small
and the upside potential is large, it’s worth a try. James, the CFO we
discussed earlier, decided to take the board member’s advice for the
next presentation and see what happened. Some directors were pleased
with the change, but the shift in format prompted others to offer
suggestions of their own. Today James reverse-engineers his
presentations to meet board members’ current top-of-mind concerns. He
sends out an e-mail a week beforehand asking for any burning questions,
and either front-loads his talk with answers to them or signals at the
start that he will get to them later on. “It’s a little more challenging
to prepare for but actually much easier to give,” he says. “I spend
less time fielding unexpected questions, which was the hardest part of
the job.”
That’s an example worth
following. When someone gives you advice, test it out. If it works,
great. If it doesn’t, you can try again, tweak your approach, or decide
to end the experiment.
Criticism
is never easy to take. Even when you know that it’s essential to your
development and you trust that the person delivering it wants you to
succeed, it can activate psychological triggers. You might feel
misjudged, ill-used, and sometimes threatened to your very core.
Your
growth depends on your ability to pull value from criticism in spite of
your natural responses and on your willingness to seek out even more
advice and coaching from bosses, peers, and subordinates. They may be
good or bad at providing it, or they may have little time for it—but you
are the most important factor in your own development. If you’re
determined to learn from whatever feedback you get, no one can stop you.
Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone
are cofounders of Triad Consulting Group and teach negotiation at
Harvard Law School. They are the coauthors of the forthcoming book Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Viking/Penguin, 2014), from which this article is adapted.