9 Habits of People Who Build Extraordinary Relationships

The most extraordinary professional relationships are built by ordinary actions like these.

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Professional success is important to everyone, but still, success in business and in life means different things to different people--as well it should.

But one fact is universal: Real success, the kind that exists on multiple levels, is impossible without building great relationships. Real success is impossible unless you treat other people with kindness, regard, and respect.

After all, you can be a rich jerk... but you will also be a lonely jerk.

That's why people who build extraordinary business relationships:


1. Take the hit.
A customer gets mad. A vendor complains about poor service. A mutual friend feels slighted.

Sometimes, whatever the issue and regardless of who is actually at fault, some people step in and take the hit. They're willing to accept the criticism or abuse because they know they can handle it--and they know that maybe, just maybe, the other person can't.

Few acts are more selfless than taking the undeserved hit. And few acts better cement a relationship.

2. Step in without being asked.
It's easy to help when you're asked. Most people will.

Very few people offer help before they have been asked, even though most of the time that is when a little help will make the greatest impact.

People who build extraordinary relationships pay close attention so they can tell when others are struggling. Then they offer to help, but not in a general, "Is there something I can do to help you?" way.

Instead they come up with specific ways they can help. That way they can push past the reflexive, "No, I'm okay..." objections. And they can roll up their sleeves and make a difference in another person's life.


Not because they want to build a better relationship, although that is certainly the result, but simply because they care.

3. Answer the question that is not asked.
Where relationships are concerned, face value is usually without value. Often people will ask a different question than the one they really want answered.

A colleague might ask you whether he should teach a class at a local college; what he really wants to talk about is how to take his life in a different direction.

A partner might ask how you felt about the idea he presented during the last board meeting; what he really wants to talk about is his diminished role in the running of the company.

An employee might ask how you built a successful business; instead of kissing up he might be looking for some advice--and encouragement--to help him follow his own dreams.

Behind many simple questions is often a larger question that goes unasked. People who build great relationships think about what lies underneath so they can answer that question, too.

4. Know when to dial it back.
Outgoing and charismatic people are usually a lot of fun... until they aren't. When a major challenge pops up or a situation gets stressful, still, some people can't stop "expressing their individuality." (Admit it: You know at least one person so in love with his personality he can never dial it back.)

People who build great relationships know when to have fun and when to be serious, when to be over the top and when to be invisible, and when to take charge and when to follow.

Great relationships are multifaceted and therefore require multifaceted people willing to adapt to the situation--and to the people in that situation.

5. Prove they think of others.
People who build great relationships don't just think about other people. They act on those thoughts.

One easy way is to give unexpected praise. Everyone loves unexpected praise--it's like getting flowers not because it's Valentine's Day, but "just because." Praise helps others feel better about themselves and lets them know you're thinking about them (which, if you think about it, is flattering in itself.)

Take a little time every day to do something nice for someone you know, not because you're expected to but simply because you can. When you do, your relationships improve dramatically.

6. Realize when they have acted poorly.
Most people apologize when their actions or words are called into question.

Very few people apologize before they are asked to--or even before anyone notices they should.

Responsibility is a key building block of a great relationship. People who take the blame, who say they are sorry and explain why they are sorry, who don't try to push any of the blame back on the other person--those are people everyone wants in their lives, because they instantly turn a mistake into a bump in the road rather than a permanent roadblock.

7. Give consistently, receive occasionally.
A great relationship is mutually beneficial. In business terms that means connecting with people who can be mentors, who can share information, who can help create other connections; in short, that means going into a relationship wanting something.

The person who builds great relationships doesn't think about what she wants; she starts by thinking about what she can give. She sees giving as the best way to establish a real relationship and a lasting connection. She approaches building relationships as if it's all about the other person and not about her, and in the process builds relationships with people who follow the same approach.

In time they make real connections.

And in time they make real friends.

8. Value the message by always valuing the messenger.
When someone speaks from a position of position of power or authority or fame it's tempting to place greater emphasis on their input, advice, and ideas.

We listen to Tony Hsieh. We listen to Norm Brodsky. We listen to Seth Godin.

The guy who mows our lawn? Maybe we don't listen to him so much.

That's unfortunate. Smart people strip away the framing that comes with the source--whether positive or negative--and consider the information, advice, or idea based solely on its merits.

People who build great relationships never automatically discount the message simply because they discount the messenger. They know good advice is good advice, regardless of where it comes from.

And they know good people are good people, regardless of their perceived "status."

9. Start small... and are happy to stay small.
I sometimes wear a Reading Football Club sweatshirt. The checkout clerk at the grocery store noticed it one day and said, "Oh, you're a Reading supporter? My team is Manchester United."

Normally, since I'm pretty shy, I would have just nodded and said something innocuous, but for some reason I said, "You think Man U can beat Real Madrid next week?"

He gave me a huge smile and said, "Oh yeah. We'll crush them!" (Too bad he was wrong.)

Now whenever I see him he waves, often from across the store. I almost always walk over, say hi, and talk briefly about soccer.

That's as far as our relationship is likely to go and that's okay. For a couple of minutes we transcend the customer/employee relationship and become two people brightening each other's day.

And that's enough, because every relationship, however minor and possibly fleeting, has value.

People who build great relationships treat every one of their relationships that way. (That's a lesson I need to take to heart more often.)

Jeff Haden learned much of what he knows about business and technology as he worked his way up in the manufacturing industry. Everything else he picks up from ghostwriting books for some of the smartest leaders he knows in business. @jeff_haden

What Amazing Bosses Do Differently

We all know that job satisfaction often hinges on the quality of the relationships we have with our bosses. Yet in today’s rapidly evolving, 24/7 workplaces, it’s not always clear what managers should do to create the most satisfying work experiences and the happiest employees. My research into the world’s most successful bosses has unearthed some common practices that make work much more meaningful and enjoyable. If you supervise others, make sure you do the following:

Manage individuals, not teams. When you’re under pressure, it’s easy to forget that employees are unique individuals, with varying interests, abilities, goals, and styles of learning. But it’s important to customize your interactions with them. Ensure you understand what makes them tick. Be available and accessible for one-on-one conversations. Deliver lessons cued to individual developmental needs. And when it comes to promotion, look past rigid competency models and career ladders for growth opportunities tailored to the ambitions, talents, and capacities of each person.

Dr. Paul Batalden, a professor emeritus at Dartmouth College’s Geisel School of Medicine, who previously worked under Tommy Frist at healthcare giant HCA, told me that his former boss was “such an unusual CEO” of a company that size. “You could always get to see him. He always had time.”  Samuel Howard, another Frist protégé who is now CEO of Xantus Corp, added, “when you asked him to do something, he would roll up his sleeves” and work with you to get it done.

Go big on meaning.  Most employees value jobs that let them contribute and make a difference, and many organizations now emphasize meaning and purpose in the hopes of fostering engagement. But this is also the manager’s responsibility. You can’t rely on incentives like bonuses, stock options, or raises. You’ve got to inspire them with a vision, set challenging goals and pump up their confidence so they believe they can actually win. Articulate a clear purpose that fires your team up, set expectations high, and convey to the group that you think they’re capable of virtually anything.

Legendary bosses like Bill Sanders in real estate, Julian Robertson in hedge funds, and Bill Walsh in professional football all communicated visions that entranced employees and left them hell-bent on success. Scot Sellers, a protégé of Sanders who went on to become CEO of Archstone before retiring in 2013, recalled that his former boss “would lay out his vision and say, ‘I would like you to be a part of it.’ You were so honored to be asked… that you just wanted to jump in and say, ‘Sign me up!’”

Focus on feedback. A 2013 Society for Human Resource Management survey of managers in the U.S. found that “only 2% provide ongoing feedback to their employees.” Just 2%!   Many bosses limit themselves to the dreaded “performance review” and often mingle developmental feedback with discussions about compensation and promotion, rendering the former much less effective.

As I’ve written elsewhere, some organizations are changing their ways, but even if yours sticks with traditional reviews, you can still supplement that with the kind of continuous, personalized feedback that the best bosses employ. Use regular—at least weekly—one-on-one conversations to give lots of coaching. Make the feedback clear, honest and constructive, and frame it so that it promotes independence and initiative.

Hedge fund manager Chase Coleman remembered that his former boss and backer, Tiger Management founder Julian Robertson, was “very good at understanding what motivated people and how to extract maximum performance out of [them]. . . . For some, that [meant] encouraging them, and for others, it [meant] making them feel less comfortable. He would adjust his feedback.”

Don’t just talk… listen. Employees tend to be happiest when they feel free to contribute new ideas and take initiative, and most managers claim they want people who do just that. So why doesn’t it happen more often? Usually the problem is that bosses promote their own views too strongly. 

Employees wonder: “Why bother taking risks with new ideas when my boss’s views are already so fixed?”

The best leaders spend a great deal of time listening. They pose problems and challenges, then ask questions to enlist the entire team in generating solutions. They reward innovation and initiative, and encourage everyone in the group to do the same.

Football coach Walsh went out of his way to encourage input not only from his assistant coaches, but also from the players themselves. He did this before the game, during the game, and afterwards when watching game film. This more collaborative approach probably had something to do with his track record with the San Francisco 49ers: six division titles, three NFC Championship titles and three Super Bowl wins.

Be consistent. Who could be happy with a boss who does one thing one day and another thing the next? It’s hard to feel motivated when the bar is always shifting in unpredictable ways and you never know what to expect or how to get ahead. So be consistent in your management style, vision, expectations, feedback and openness to new ideas. If change becomes necessary, acknowledge it openly and quickly.

Kyle Craig, who worked with restaurant impresario Norman Brinker at Burger King in the 1980s, remembered his boss’s consistent humility. “He was never unwilling to admit his failures and mistakes, which puts people around him very much at ease.” Bill Walsh, meanwhile, came across as consistently confident. As former 49ers wide receiver Dwight Clark remarked, “There was just an attitude. He walked with a strut almost—not cocky, just very confident.” These superbosses had dramatically different approaches, yet both worked well because they were consistent.

No behavior a boss adopts will guarantee happy employees, but managers who follow these five key practices will find that they will help improve well-being, engagement, and productivity on any team. The common denominator is attentiveness. Pay close attention to your employees as individuals.

 Take that extra bit of time to build their confidence and articulate a vision; to provide constant, ongoing, high quality feedback; and to listen to their ideas. And ensure that your own messages are consistent.  Is it hard work? Yes. But it’s worth it.

---

Sydney Finkelstein is the Steven Roth Professor of Management in Dartmouth’s Tuck School of Business and the author of Superbosses: How Exceptional Leaders Manage the Flow of Talent (Portfolio/Penguin, February 2016) from which this article was adapted.

9 Habits of People Who Build Extraordinary Relationships

The most extraordinary professional relationships are built by ordinary actions like these.

Professional success is important to everyone, but still, success in business and in life means different things to different people--as well it should.

But one fact is universal: Real success, the kind that exists on multiple levels, is impossible without building great relationships. Real success is impossible unless you treat other people with kindness, regard, and respect.

After all, you can be a rich jerk... but you will also be a lonely jerk.

That's why people who build extraordinary business relationships:


1. Take the hit.
A customer gets mad. A vendor complains about poor service. A mutual friend feels slighted.

Sometimes, whatever the issue and regardless of who is actually at fault, some people step in and take the hit. They're willing to accept the criticism or abuse because they know they can handle it--and they know that maybe, just maybe, the other person can't.

Few acts are more selfless than taking the undeserved hit. And few acts better cement a relationship.

2. Step in without being asked.
It's easy to help when you're asked. Most people will.

Very few people offer help before they have been asked, even though most of the time that is when a little help will make the greatest impact.

People who build extraordinary relationships pay close attention so they can tell when others are struggling. Then they offer to help, but not in a general, "Is there something I can do to help you?" way.

Instead they come up with specific ways they can help. That way they can push past the reflexive, "No, I'm okay..." objections. And they can roll up their sleeves and make a difference in another person's life.


Not because they want to build a better relationship, although that is certainly the result, but simply because they care.

3. Answer the question that is not asked.
Where relationships are concerned, face value is usually without value. Often people will ask a different question than the one they really want answered.

A colleague might ask you whether he should teach a class at a local college; what he really wants to talk about is how to take his life in a different direction.

A partner might ask how you felt about the idea he presented during the last board meeting; what he really wants to talk about is his diminished role in the running of the company.

An employee might ask how you built a successful business; instead of kissing up he might be looking for some advice--and encouragement--to help him follow his own dreams.

Behind many simple questions is often a larger question that goes unasked. People who build great relationships think about what lies underneath so they can answer that question, too.

4. Know when to dial it back.
Outgoing and charismatic people are usually a lot of fun... until they aren't. When a major challenge pops up or a situation gets stressful, still, some people can't stop "expressing their individuality." (Admit it: You know at least one person so in love with his personality he can never dial it back.)

People who build great relationships know when to have fun and when to be serious, when to be over the top and when to be invisible, and when to take charge and when to follow.

Great relationships are multifaceted and therefore require multifaceted people willing to adapt to the situation--and to the people in that situation.

5. Prove they think of others.
People who build great relationships don't just think about other people. They act on those thoughts.

One easy way is to give unexpected praise. Everyone loves unexpected praise--it's like getting flowers not because it's Valentine's Day, but "just because." Praise helps others feel better about themselves and lets them know you're thinking about them (which, if you think about it, is flattering in itself.)

Take a little time every day to do something nice for someone you know, not because you're expected to but simply because you can. When you do, your relationships improve dramatically.

6. Realize when they have acted poorly.
Most people apologize when their actions or words are called into question.

Very few people apologize before they are asked to--or even before anyone notices they should.

Responsibility is a key building block of a great relationship. People who take the blame, who say they are sorry and explain why they are sorry, who don't try to push any of the blame back on the other person--those are people everyone wants in their lives, because they instantly turn a mistake into a bump in the road rather than a permanent roadblock.

7. Give consistently, receive occasionally.
A great relationship is mutually beneficial. In business terms that means connecting with people who can be mentors, who can share information, who can help create other connections; in short, that means going into a relationship wanting something.

The person who builds great relationships doesn't think about what she wants; she starts by thinking about what she can give. She sees giving as the best way to establish a real relationship and a lasting connection. She approaches building relationships as if it's all about the other person and not about her, and in the process builds relationships with people who follow the same approach.

In time they make real connections.

And in time they make real friends.

8. Value the message by always valuing the messenger.
When someone speaks from a position of position of power or authority or fame it's tempting to place greater emphasis on their input, advice, and ideas.

We listen to Tony Hsieh. We listen to Norm Brodsky. We listen to Seth Godin.

The guy who mows our lawn? Maybe we don't listen to him so much.

That's unfortunate. Smart people strip away the framing that comes with the source--whether positive or negative--and consider the information, advice, or idea based solely on its merits.

People who build great relationships never automatically discount the message simply because they discount the messenger. They know good advice is good advice, regardless of where it comes from.

And they know good people are good people, regardless of their perceived "status."

9. Start small... and are happy to stay small.
I sometimes wear a Reading Football Club sweatshirt. The checkout clerk at the grocery store noticed it one day and said, "Oh, you're a Reading supporter? My team is Manchester United."

Normally, since I'm pretty shy, I would have just nodded and said something innocuous, but for some reason I said, "You think Man U can beat Real Madrid next week?"

He gave me a huge smile and said, "Oh yeah. We'll crush them!" (Too bad he was wrong.)

Now whenever I see him he waves, often from across the store. I almost always walk over, say hi, and talk briefly about soccer.

That's as far as our relationship is likely to go and that's okay. For a couple of minutes we transcend the customer/employee relationship and become two people brightening each other's day.

And that's enough, because every relationship, however minor and possibly fleeting, has value.

People who build great relationships treat every one of their relationships that way. (That's a lesson I need to take to heart more often.)

Jeff Haden learned much of what he knows about business and technology as he worked his way up in the manufacturing industry. Everything else he picks up from ghostwriting books for some of the smartest leaders he knows in business. @jeff_haden

Relationships are the Past, Present & Future of Business

The business software space is one of the most exciting and lucrative markets out there. It ranks as one of the top most invested sectors, and billions of dollars are invested into the business software space year over year. Besides one of the most valued industries, the business software space is constantly innovating.

However, innovation is more than just a buzzword for businesses — it’s now seen as a key driver of short, medium and long term success. Yet, we forget about a critical, common thread holding these successes between people and business together — relationships.

The key to maintaining successful relationships across the globe is distribution. According to Metcalfe's law, the value of network or a relationship increases as the square number of eyes on the network goes up. This is why companies like Facebook, with 1.2B people connected to its platform, has a market cap valued near $200B.

If we take a look at the rising achievements of these business software companies, we can see that these CEOs thank mentors, investors, their team and the individual users of the service or product. But, without these powerful relationships, the innovation and success would be obsolete.

As the business software space expands, here are the trends I see in relationships which are deep-entrenched in this space:

1. Quality of Social Media Engagements

Over 74% of internet users are now using social media, whether it’s just Facebook, Google+, Twitter and/or Instagram, people are using one or a combination of them all. We’re in a post-social media era, where we care less about how many followers we have, and more about how many quality relationships our business has. People join these networks to connect with other people and to cultivate relationships in order to better fuel their own networks. Many users are craving more interactions and have expectations for businesses to carry out these relationships through valuable content. Businesses now need to step up to provide that outlet on social media.

2. Relationships Are All About Digital Economy Vs. Analog Economy

Just as the quality of social media engagements are rising, it brings relationships up to the digital level. Think of the last time you mailed a letter to your customer? Or you needed to wait to communicate with a user based on the delivery of correspondences? Now, email powers instant delivery of letters in real-time or in-app messaging sends instant communications to hundreds of thousands of users. Relationships are all digital — all of our communications and contacts leave a digital footprint that can be easily harvested via APIs and increasingly open enterprises. Customers are reaching out to businesses on social media about any issues they are facing with your company or product, and they expect an instant, digital response. On the other end, you are then able to track all of those interactions online and relay it back to your roadmap, contributing back to the endless cycle of these progressive relationships.

3. Consumerization of Business Software

The consumerization of the enterprise is no joke — the old business software, including CRMs, of yesteryear will be replaced by tools that, at the heart, help the end user. Users have immense power now with the capability to learn business software without a hard book or without extensive training sessions. People can simply sign-up for software through a form and be immediately brought to the platform itself.

Although it is immensely easy for an individual to obtain software, the onus is now on the company to implement and make it simple for the user to understand how to use the service. Companies must still cultivate this fast relationship in order to maintain higher lifetime value and reduce churn.

Ultimately, all of this brings an even bigger opportunity to continue to nurture those relationships in the business software space. There are few platforms out there currently that have a specific focus on the individual relationships of the user. It’s time for more relationship-based tools and platforms to be born, which is one of the main reasons why I am a firm believer in these technologies. Companies such as Contactually, which is dominating this space, are helping us move at light speed from an analog economy to a digital one. As one of the leading innovators in their space, this area of innovation will pave the way for the true value of relationship management and powering valuable connections for businesses and individuals.

Dr. Hossein EslambolchiInfluencer

Chairman and CEO at CyberFlow Analytics & 2020 Venture Partners

3 Ways to Achieve a Successful Finance Transformation

Finance transformation: two words that draw out the skeptics, particularly from finance organizations that consider themselves mature and efficient.

Excuses for not undertaking a finance transformation are plenty: all is working well, so why change things; the organization is experiencing too much change, so now is not the time; transformation is too costly and time consuming; the businesses don’t want/need it; we don’t have the resources, and so on.

Some of those may be valid, and a dose of healthy skepticism is good. As any CFO who has undertaken finance transformation knows, it is hard and time-consuming. It requires careful planning and resources, and it can be costly, especially without proper planning. But finance transformation also is critical if finance is to keep up with the changing needs and strategies of the business.

Finance transformations can take many forms, varying from company to company. But all successful programs have one common principle: alignment with, and support of, the organization’s strategic direction over the next five to 10 years. That requires a thorough understanding of what finance talent, processes and technologies a company will need to accomplish the strategic vision.

With CFOs becoming more engaged in corporate strategy, finance transformations are a critical path for them to prepare their organizations for the changes that strategy execution requires. How can organizations enter new markets, offer new products, acquire companies, assess customer behavior, find gaps in supply chains, and take advantage of big data and today’s analytic tools without some form of finance transformation? And what about cyber-security? Are today’s finance systems as prepared as they should be to manage cyber-security risks?

Win Over the Skeptics
It’s the CFO’s job to lay out in a clear and concise manner the business case for why a finance transformation is essential and the value finance will be capable of delivering as a result in order to support the corporate strategy. CFOs need to demonstrate how anything short of a finance transformation would put the corporate strategy at risk, as well as other potential lost opportunities.

Solid relationships with business-unit leaders and gaining their buy-in are critical, especially for a finance transformation that may be more far-reaching or ambitious than others.

Business-unit leaders need to understand how the finance transformation will directly help advance their business plans and goals. They also must know how it will provide them the data – and analysis ­– needed to execute their individual responsibilities in achieving the corporate strategy. Be prepared to answer the question, “What’s in it for me?” and do the homework to make a compelling case.

Anything short of that has may not gain the business unit leaders’ confidence and could undermine the transformation’s success.

Build the Right Team
Finance transformations can take months or years, depending on the organization and objectives. Each type of effort requires the right talent to make it happen successfully.

Consider today’s football organizations. It can take years to attract the right players, develop existing talent, fill positions and hone players’ skills to position the team for a winning season. The same can be said of building the team to lead and execute a finance transformation .

For large organizations it’s imperative to engage a senior leadership team representing the major business operations to help drive the transformation. From there, communications can roll down to the operating groups and their constituents.

Having the right talent for executing the finance transformation also is essential. If the existing team doesn’t have the necessary skills, there will be some tough decisions to make. With finance being expected to provide more support for data analysis and modeling, any finance transformation today should encompass these sought-after skills. Involve business-unit leadership in planning the new finance organization’s staffing and partner with the talent organization or human resources to identify and recruit needed talent.

IT also must be part of the effort. Any finance transformation, even if it doesn’t appear to have a system or technology component at the outset, should consider changing technology needs. For example, systems may need to be scalable to incorporate new operations from acquisitions, as well as the budgeting and planning around those expansions. New technology also may be needed to bolster finance’s ability to meet increased demands for data, analysis, risk sensing and scenario planning.

Be sure to include members from corporate development and treasury, as capital planning and allocation are key to strategy execution. For example, I’ve worked with our strategy and treasury teams in overhauling our budget, planning and analysis, so that we are collecting and analyzing data needed for capital strategy decisions.

And, of course, involve those dealing with regulatory changes, as finance is the lynchpin for compliance.

Keep Your Eyes on the End Goal
Making finance transformation happen in mature organizations, with their labyrinth of legacy systems, long-established processes and built-in biases, can be as arduous as starting from your own team’s end zone; the goal line can seem unreachable.

At Deloitte, we are undergoing a multi-year transformation of our own as we work toward a 2020 vision that includes taking advantage of special opportunities in the marketplace. Have there been challenges? Of course, but it’s my job to create a finance organization, backed by processes and technology, that can help drive toward our strategic vision.

Frank Friedman is U.S. CFO and managing partner of finance and administration for Deloitte LLP.

Managing Two People Who Hate Each Other

Managing people is never easy, but when the animosity between two of your direct reports escalates to the level of hatred, how do you minimize the drama and keep your team on track?  Before you call for a professional mediator, remember that this is a fundamental part of your job as a manager. If you can get to the root of your employees’ fear, you can help them rebuild their relationship. And if you do it the right way, the shared vulnerability will start to foster trust in place of hate. Try the following approach to get at the root of the problem and resolve the conflict once and for all:

Before addressing the interpersonal tension between your two direct reports, it’s important to ensure the conflict isn’t stemming from more systemic issues. First, ensure that your direct reports have clarity about their roles, a solid understanding of what is expected of them, and a set of measures and rewards that promote collaboration rather than competition. Make sure their relationship is set up for success.

Then, before you talk to them, spend a moment thinking about your own frustration with and judgments about them.  If you are fed up and unwilling or unable to be empathetic, you won’t be in a position to help. Hatred is the product of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and fear — empathy can dissolve it.  Start with the positive assumption that your direct reports are good people experiencing something stressful. Compose yourself, or risk provoking even more anxiety in the people you are trying to calm down.

When you are ready, relentlessly provide feedback whenever you see symptoms of the poor relationship. For example: “When Giselle spoke, you rolled your eyes.  For me, that demonstrated a lack of professional maturity. What caused your reaction to what Giselle was saying?”

Take every opportunity to call out bad behavior and don’t hesitate to provide feedback on the absence of behavior either, as in: “I noticed that you didn’t say anything during Giselle’s presentation. What was going on for you?” In each case, ensure that your feedback ends with an open-ended question that gets the person talking.

Use the answers to your questions to uncover clues about the root causes of the animosity.  Remember, for feelings as strong as hatred to be triggered, the root causes are probably very close to home.  Shed light on issues of low self-esteem, anxiety about change, or fear of losing control. Try questions such as: “What worries you?” “How do you see this playing out?” or “How do you experience it when she does that?” Let each answer show you the path to the next question. You are attempting to get beneath the person’s biased perceptions of situations and down into their motives and beliefs. That’s where the emotion is coming from.

As you listen closely to the answers, it is critical to redirect comments that include assumptions about what the other person is thinking or feeling. For example, if he says “she is trying to destroy my credibility,” reframe the idea as “we don’t know Giselle’s motive; I am interested in how her behavior is being interpreted by you. How do you feel when she disagrees with you in front of the team?”

Reflect back what you hear and start to make some hypotheses about what might be going on. “I get the sense that when Giselle was promoted two levels in three years, you started to think about your own career progression. Is that fair?” “Tell me more about what you’re thinking.” The objective is to make sure each individual understands how their thoughts and feelings affect their perceptions of the other.

Encourage each person to consider the possibility that the other is trying to cope in the best way they know how.  Ask questions that help them think about the situation differently.  “How do you think Giselle felt when she joined a team of people who are older and more experienced than her?” “How might you help Giselle get her point across so that she doesn’t need to be so assertive?”

Once you have helped each individual understand his or her half of the relationship, you can bring the two together to have a conversation. “I’ve been speaking with each of you about my concerns over your strained relationship. I think you’re ready to talk to one another.” Interject as little as possible in the conversation, but where you know there is something that’s not being said, provide a gentle nudge: “Giselle, we talked about how you experience it when Bob disengages in a meeting…” This process might take several conversations—stick with it.

The advantage of making this level of investment is that it will go a long way toward fixing the problem once and for all—once you can put yourself in someone else’s shoes, it’s very unlikely you will still feel animosity. Even more importantly, it will be some of the best leadership development the two individuals have ever received. You will have helped them grow up, gain some insight into themselves, and forge a relationship that benefits everyone. Their newfound accountability for relationships will serve them well throughout their careers.

 

Liane Davey

Liane Davey is the vice president of team solutions at Knightsbridge Human Capital. Her new book is You First: Inspire Your Team to Grow Up, Get Along, and Get Stuff Done. She is also a co-author of Leadership Solutions: The Pathway to Bridge the Leadership Gap.