The most extraordinary professional relationships are built by ordinary actions like these.
Professional success is important to everyone, but still, success in
business and in life means different things to different people--as well it should.
But one fact is universal: Real success, the kind that exists on
multiple levels, is impossible without building great relationships.
Real success is impossible unless you treat other people with kindness,
regard, and respect.
After all, you can be a rich jerk... but you will also be a lonely jerk.
That's why people who build extraordinary business relationships:
1. Take the hit.
A customer gets mad. A vendor complains about poor service. A mutual friend feels slighted.
Sometimes, whatever the issue and regardless of who is actually at
fault, some people step in and take the hit. They're willing to accept
the criticism or abuse because they know they can handle it--and they
know that maybe, just maybe, the other person can't.
Few acts are more selfless than taking the undeserved hit. And few acts better cement a relationship.
2. Step in without being asked.
It's easy to help when you're asked. Most people will.
Very few people offer help before they have been asked, even though most of the time that is when a little help will make the greatest impact.
People who build extraordinary relationships pay close attention so
they can tell when others are struggling. Then they offer to help, but
not in a general, "Is there something I can do to help you?" way.
Instead they come up with specific ways they can help. That way they
can push past the reflexive, "No, I'm okay..." objections. And they can
roll up their sleeves and make a difference in another person's life.
Not because they want to build a better relationship, although that is certainly the result, but simply because they care.
3. Answer the question that is not asked.
Where relationships are concerned, face value is usually without
value. Often people will ask a different question than the one they
really want answered.
A colleague might ask you whether he should teach a class at a local
college; what he really wants to talk about is how to take his life in a
different direction.
A partner might ask how you felt about the idea he presented during
the last board meeting; what he really wants to talk about is his
diminished role in the running of the company.
An employee might ask how you built a successful business; instead of
kissing up he might be looking for some advice--and encouragement--to
help him follow his own dreams.
Behind many simple questions is often a larger question that goes
unasked. People who build great relationships think about what lies
underneath so they can answer that question, too.
4. Know when to dial it back.
Outgoing and charismatic people are usually a lot of fun... until
they aren't. When a major challenge pops up or a situation gets
stressful, still, some people can't stop "expressing their
individuality." (Admit it: You know at least one person so in love with
his personality he can never dial it back.)
People who build great relationships know when to have fun and when
to be serious, when to be over the top and when to be invisible, and
when to take charge and when to follow.
Great relationships are multifaceted and therefore require
multifaceted people willing to adapt to the situation--and to the people
in that situation.
5. Prove they think of others.
People who build great relationships don't just think about other people. They act on those thoughts.
One easy way is to give unexpected praise. Everyone loves unexpected
praise--it's like getting flowers not because it's Valentine's Day, but
"just because." Praise helps others feel better about themselves and
lets them know you're thinking about them (which, if you think about it,
is flattering in itself.)
Take a little time every day to do something nice for someone you
know, not because you're expected to but simply because you can. When
you do, your relationships improve dramatically.
6. Realize when they have acted poorly.
Most people apologize when their actions or words are called into question.
Very few people apologize before they are asked to--or even before anyone notices they should.
Responsibility is a key building block of a great relationship.
People who take the blame, who say they are sorry and explain why they
are sorry, who don't try to push any of the blame back on the other
person--those are people everyone wants in their lives, because they
instantly turn a mistake into a bump in the road rather than a permanent
roadblock.
7. Give consistently, receive occasionally.
A great relationship is mutually beneficial. In business terms that
means connecting with people who can be mentors, who can share
information, who can help create other connections; in short, that means
going into a relationship wanting something.
The person who builds great relationships doesn't think about what
she wants; she starts by thinking about what she can give. She sees
giving as the best way to establish a real relationship and a lasting
connection. She approaches building relationships as if it's all about
the other person and not about her, and in the process builds
relationships with people who follow the same approach.
In time they make real connections.
And in time they make real friends.
8. Value the message by always valuing the messenger.
When someone speaks from a position of position of power or authority
or fame it's tempting to place greater emphasis on their input, advice,
and ideas.
We listen to Tony Hsieh. We listen to Norm Brodsky. We listen to Seth Godin.
The guy who mows our lawn? Maybe we don't listen to him so much.
That's unfortunate. Smart people strip away the framing that comes
with the source--whether positive or negative--and consider the
information, advice, or idea based solely on its merits.
People who build great relationships never automatically discount the
message simply because they discount the messenger. They know good
advice is good advice, regardless of where it comes from.
And they know good people are good people, regardless of their perceived "status."
9. Start small... and are happy to stay small.
I sometimes wear a Reading Football Club sweatshirt. The checkout
clerk at the grocery store noticed it one day and said, "Oh, you're a
Reading supporter? My team is Manchester United."
Normally, since I'm pretty shy, I would have just nodded and said
something innocuous, but for some reason I said, "You think Man U can
beat Real Madrid next week?"
He gave me a huge smile and said, "Oh yeah. We'll crush them!" (Too bad he was wrong.)
Now whenever I see him he waves, often from across the store. I almost always walk over, say hi, and talk briefly about soccer.
That's as far as our relationship is likely to go and that's okay.
For a couple of minutes we transcend the customer/employee relationship
and become two people brightening each other's day.
And that's enough, because every relationship, however minor and possibly fleeting, has value.
People who build great relationships treat every one of their
relationships that way. (That's a lesson I need to take to heart more
often.)
Jeff Haden
learned much of what he knows about business and technology as he
worked his way up in the manufacturing industry. Everything else he
picks up from ghostwriting books for some of the smartest leaders he knows in business. @jeff_haden
